So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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