you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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