oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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