I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
