if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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