You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
