Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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