Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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