he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
