Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
