I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
