your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize