Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
