Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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