Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
