someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
