I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
