We won't sleep together?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize