just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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