Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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