I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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