allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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