This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
