Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
