I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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