Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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