How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
