I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
