Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Who died my cat blue again?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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