I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
