That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
being pregnant is like rehab
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
