Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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