i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
