Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
