I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
bring money and cleavage
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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