I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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