I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
