So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
