Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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