She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
