speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
