hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
