i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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