Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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