His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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