I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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