Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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