Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
