he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize