Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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