It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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