I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my being single is dangerous.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
