Whod you bang
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
