I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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