i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Please don't give away my fajitas
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
