he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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