Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
