Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
