if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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